Everything

Tuesday afternoon. I walked back from proctoring an exam in the rain to my house. I didn't know it was supposed to rain today. My sundress got drenched, but I didn't take it off. I kind of smell like a wet dog. Maybe a wet puppy. but it's still wet, and I'm still wearing it. sitting at my desk. Well, the desk I bought from Claire. I guess it's mine, but it doesn't feel like mine. eating cream cheese and grape jelly on an eggo waffle. A messy meal, a meal for children. I only eat it because I babysat my neighbor's kids and that's what she packed for their lunch. It looked really good. Only she didn't pack them eggos, she made a sandwich out of it and cut it into triangles. Triangles are my favorite shape. If I got a tattoo, it would be the outline of a triangle, on my neck right behind my right ear. I put a temporary tattoo of that very thing in that very spot over memorial day weekend and somebody I didn't know told me that it looked good and they liked it.

A lot of things that I smell today are bringing back really old and weird memories. The air fresheners my housemate bought and strategically placed all around our house make it smell nice. Today, for the first time, I walked into my house and the smell instantly brought me back to my Aunt and Uncle's old house. I spent a lot of time there because my cousin, who is an only child, is exactly 1 year, 1 month, and 11 days older than me. Which means she's smack dab in the middle of Rob and I. We would spend hours and hours playing nintendo and making videos and drinking grape soda in the basement and accidentally spilling cans of it on the carpet but not telling our Aunt and mastering the art of carpet cleaner by the age of 6. They eventually found all of the stains when they ripped up the carpet to change it. And then, I was making eggo toaster waffles for myself and the smell brought me back to my parents' old log cabin we used to live in. Specifically, we used to have a Disney popcorn machine. You would put the kernals in and then when they popped you would hold a brown paper grocery bag, Usually A&P cause that's where mom worked and we shopped, and you let the popcorn fall into it. Then, you would add the melted butter. Followed by salt, lots of salt. And then mom folded the top part down so you could grab onto it. Our little hands holding on for dear life, shaking the popcorn bag with all of our might. You had to shake it up enough so that all of the popcorns got plenty of butter and salt coverage. That's what my waffles smelled like today. When you opened the freshly buttered and salted and shaken to shit popcorn bag, and stuck your face in it to smell its glory.

My cousins' college and high school graduation party was Saturday night. All of Sam's friends that I met on memorial day weekend were there. I was looking forward to seeing them again, partially because they're all crazy, and partially because they're all beautiful. The graduation party had my grandmother there, and my grandmother's fiance, and his entire family. That's how I know this family, and I spent enough time with them that I eventually became a part of it. If they ever get married, then I would actually be a member of the family. But I'm basically one now anyway. The party was on the bay beach, and we had a perfect view of the sunset. The bartender they hired was really clumsy. That's one of the worst traits for a bartender to have. Standing there for about twenty minutes, I watched her drop an entire bottle of wine on the ground and shatter it, drop a handle of vodka which (thank god) didn't shatter, and knock over a full water bottle onto the counter. It made me want to go to bartending school because, shit, I could do better than that. We played ping pong and drank until it was dark, and then it was time to clean up. If any of you have experienced this crazy family with me, you know full well that the party was brought back to their garage (which isn't really a garage, its more like a guest house) and the party continued. Becca kept asking when we were going to the bar, meanwhile, she is the youngest one there, not yet even 21. She got the ball rolling, and the next thing I knew I was being dragged into an Uber with becca, cam, and my brother. We didn't know if anybody was even following us, but we hoped they would catch on. sat at the outside bar, and becca bought drinks for her and I. After a few rounds, everybody from the garage started rolling up. I won't delve into the details of the night, but if I had to sum it up in a few words, I would say drinking, dancing, and kissing. Everybody was having fun. Cam flirted with a bouncer and then hopped the fence and ran off to get pizza. I dance with two people for a lot longer than I should have, and eventually, after far too many things happened that probably shouldn't have, my cousin took me by the arm and put me in a cab. The rest of the night was a blur from there, but the only thing that needs to be remembered is the Bolognese pasta. RIP Bolognese. the 20 of us got the extra food out from the party and went to town on it. Singing "Don't. Drop that Bo-lo-nese" to the beat of the song "don't drop that duhn duhn duhn". I really can't say much more, because what happens at club grieco, never happened.

Sunday was a perfect day. Sometimes I'm torn while I'm blogging to post as much detail as I can, which makes the posts super long, or just skim over major parts. But anyway, I woke up on the couch of the garage in different clothes than I remember wearing last. I got up and took a slow look around. People are scattered everywhere, strewn over couches and floors, like somebody yelled " stop!" and people dropped whatever they were doing and fell asleep. I mean, they were everywhere. My aunts laughed at me when they saw me. I must've looked as bad as I felt. I ate a bagel and went back to bed. I slept on the couch in the back room for hours. When I woke up, I felt slightly better. We eventually made it a beach day, like we always do. and we roasted like chickens in the sun, recapping the antics from the previous night. We surfed and played volleyball and kadima(paddle ball) and we slept and swam and had a day. The sun got low, and food was necessary. We left the beach, I was itching to shower. Everybody showered. I put on a sundress. I've been wearing more dresses lately. More dresses and less bras. #freethenipple. Dresses are easy because it's one piece of clothing. and I look presentable. It's all a facade. I put on a face a lot. But then I convince myself that I am that face. I act like the person that I think people think I am. Read it again if it doesn't make sense, because it will. I'm starting to wonder if that's actually who I am, or it's who I'm pretending to be. I believe in a thing called Underface. Depicted here:

We went to the boardwalk in my town for dinner at a bar. I used to hook up with the guy who was our waiter, small, painful world. Cam was wearing just a tank top, and oversized tank top. as a shirt, or a dress. I'm not sure. But I've never met a person like Campbell before in my life. She has three last names. Her first name, middle name, and last name are all last names. Unbelievable. Will and Becca split two Megaritas at dinner. Which is a 49oz margarita. $25 each. it was absurd. The Lobster Mac and Cheese was god awful, and then it started thunderstorming. Some of us went to the arcade afterwards and we played at the candy wheel for a while. We didn't win, but the girl who was working the stand was flawless. She had one nose piercing and a tattoo of a cool pattern on her left thigh and her name was morgan and I liked how she talked. She wasn't afraid to be funny. 

Monday morning I went back to school, and picked up the midterms I needed to grade. This is why I get paid, right? Went to Alec's house to grade because mine is lonely. Watching three best guy friends try and coexist in a house together and do tasks such as grocery shop and put away groceries and cook dinner is a treat. Boys are dummer than fish, but I love these boys. They are one of my main sources of entertainment. I believe, in the words of John Green, that friendship is the business of mutual amusement. So I hope for their sake that I do enough stupid shit to amuse them. I think I do. We watched X-files with no lights on, and it was horrifying. I fell asleep on the couch and went home at 6am. Could I have slept in Alec's bed with him? yes. Should I have? probably not. Crossing lines with friends are things you can't un-cross. So I played it safe with couch, for now. Made it to the 10am class that I graded exams for. Got to hand them back and feel like teacher. I ran into this boy about three times today, and we texted a bunch last night. We were originally talking about the class I am grading. Then we just kept going. It was nice, it was friendly. I don't think it means anything. Not everything that happens is supposed to "mean something". So for now I will ride the wave.

I got to proctor my first ever exam today. I picked up the exams this morning, and when the students got there I waited right up until 2pm to hand them out, that's when it started. I sat around for the full hour and a half watching them take the test, being in their shoes so many times before. Sitting in a room watching people do something you've done more times than you can count is creepy. But I like being on this side way more than that side. Just watching, and grading. and answering questions. I like helping people understand things. 

I found the song I am going to dance to at my wedding. Listen to it and picture a warm, June evening, when the sun is real low and you're on the dance floor outside with the love of your life, dancing and smiling and kissing and so in love. That's what I picture when I hear this song, and if I ever fall in love again and then get married, I am playing this song at my wedding for the first dance. It's the happiest song I have ever heard. 

Stressed Out

Stressed out by 21 Pilots.

21 pilots songs are the only things my brain can comprehend right now. It is an addiction. I can't listen to anything else. Wednesday I woke up and messaged every groupMe I was a part of and asked them for book recommendations. I want to read more books. I got a bunch of responses, and some of them looked appealing once I googled them. I drove myself to Barnes and Noble and came out with and armful of literature. The Girl On The Train, It's Kind Of A Funny Story, Constellation Of A Vital Phenomena. Started Girl On The Train first, will review once I finish. So far, everybody in it is British and the girl is an alcoholic. my kind of book. // After Barnes and Nobel I went to Tony's house to finally finish painting his wall. Finished taping the pattern. Pour the paint. mix the paint. paint the wall. fuck up the pattern. Paint some more. paint over it. let's try labeling the shapes with the corresponding colors Before we paint them. Still mess it up? awesome. Let the paint dry. Peel off the tape. The tape rips off pieces of dry wall in chunks. Ruining portions of our design. Times like this in life really test you. We put hours into it trying to make it perfect, only to have tape and dry wall rip it to pieces. In the end, it still turned out pretty awesome.

Somehow I found myself on Alec's porch later on. Sometimes I don't know how I get places or why I go there, I'm just.. there. I look up and realize I am somewhere, doing something.

That night I went to Vegan Treats in the North Side for the first time with Steph, and got a cookie and a cake. Then it turned into wine Wednesday, and I might have even made a friend. People who like 21 Pilots are my kind of people. Also, who knew vegan & gluten free cakes would taste so damn good.

OH and as I was waiting to get picked up to go to Vegan Treats, I am sitting on my porch and five Townie kids are outside of it on the corner. One can't be older than 18, one is an infant, and three are anywhere from 6 to 10 years old. Turns out they graffitied our porch with chalk. If you look close enough at the picture I posted, they actually wrote "Deez nuts". on my fucking porch. like, WHAT? Go get a hobby, or play in a park or some shit. Don't write things on my porch.

Thursday morning I woke up and took a shower. I could see the grease in my hair. Emily calls me to see if we are still on for lunch at the farmer's market. Yep lemme throw on clothes, give me 8 minutes. Emily loves all things related to growing things and farms and fruits and vegetables and plants. It was hot and nice out, but a little breezy for the dress I was wearing. We took a lap around the square, seeing what each tent had to offer before making choices. I bought an apple cider, and she bought a pepper plant (like a bell pepper maybe? or a hot one?) and some peanut butter. For lunch we ate from the Taza Truck, which has average to above average middle eastern food. No idea what country it's from. Could be anything from Turkey to India. She's a good lunch date. // Walked together as far as we could go before our destinations dictated we go different directions. Said goodbye for the weekend. Next stop, admissions building for me, back to work for her. Dropped off some paperwork at Financial Aid Office so hopefully I can continue going to this ridiculously expensive school. After a phone call with mom, I go home and pack my bags, hop in my car and leave. I picked what must have been the world's slowest pumping gas station to fill up at before we left. // Two hours of 21 Pilots and Taylor swift later, I'm home at my house. Home with my mom, and my pup, and my brothers and step dad. I miss my mom a lot, even though we talk every day when I'm at school. She's just nice, and she likes me, and helps me do shit, and doesn't judge me for my awful decisions. and sometimes she throws me some money for new shoes if mine have holes in them. I miss my pup too, all the time. I've never loved a pet with the same love I have for Ted. Of course I've loved all of my pets, but Ted is different. and I've never seen a dog love a family like Ted loves us. // Went to a local surf shop with Rob, Brave New World. Got myself a new snapback. It's mesh and blue and red and I love it. Rob and I get along sometimes, most of the time. In limited doses. I say the wrong thing, a lot. and I know I do but I don't mean to. Doesn't take it back, but that's my entire life. // At home I convince .. "convince" mom to watch Harry Potter with me. All day I've been craving Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It's a classic. I can quote the entire thing, while simultaneously annoying every other person that's watching it with me.

Stayed up until 1am on the computer watching youtube videos and netflix and modern family on the television. Went upstairs and went to bed, and somehow it's 3:24am and I'm still not asleep. Why sleep when you could not?

Sometimes when you make really, really poor decisions with your actions, you have to sit there and take all of the consequences. Even if the consequences are watching someone you care about get really, really hurt. I'm pretty sure this is an example of the phrase that has something to do with making a bed and lying in it. So this is me, lying in my metaphorical (and actual) bed. Hoping that if I just accept the shit I did, eventually I can stop feeling so horrible.

Jenna Marbles made a video that I watched and couldn't believe I watched it. She says everything that I've tried to put into cohesive thoughts for a very long time. Which is why she is amazing and I love her. Here's that video, in case you're interested.

And also another 21 Pilots song because I can't listen to anything else. it's sick, really. help me.

Migraine

And also...

Not Today

It's Always Sunny

I think if my mom and most people that I know didn't read this, or if I was anonymous, I would actually write what I do with my life. But unfortunately, I give a moderately censored version. Should I censor it? Probably.

I've discovered a new Netflix show. Although it didn't need much discovery, considering everybody knows It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Now that my television is set up in my room, I can lie in bed and watch netflix using my chrome cast. I spend most of my free time simultaneously streaming netflix and grading all of the computer programs I'm responsible for. Fan on, pants off. One leg out, on top of the covers. Charlie Day's whiney voice making crude jokes in the background, lines and lines of amateur java code light up the screen and make my eyes sting. I'm not sure why I write the blog anymore, but I'll keep it anyway, because each post kills about an hour of my time.

Thursday night I went to trivia for the first time. Nitro texted me around 7pm about bars and trivia. me stella dot nitro and face went. I realize that their frisbee names are weird. We went to Sotto's first, saw nobody there, and were like nawwwww, then we went to Molly's instead. Lots of bars do trivia on Thursdays. After we bombed at our first trivia, we went to MacGrady's (my favorite bar at school). They have a shuffleboard table and it's shitty and magical all at the same time. Ran into some familiar faces, had a good time, then went to Sottos for pizza, and finally walked myself home. woke up naked. Guess that's what I get for having my own bedroom.

Friday I wandered over to Meade Street to help Tony paint his bedroom. We managed to tape most of the pattern up, and start the cutting job by the time we were exhausted and decided to call it quits. Hungout at Alec's house afterwards per usual.

there was much more than that, but I'm really terrible at taking pictures. Note to Self: take more photos when doing fun things, while simultaneously not looking like an asshole in real life, taking photos every time I do something. 

Saturday afternoon we drove to the Delaware River Gap to swim and play frisbee and hike way too far barefoot just to float down the river for a while.

Saturday night the Great American Challenge happened. Unfortunately I can't detail this for you, but team Sharks won, and I slept on Alec's couch. Fortunately for me, I fell asleep in the clothes I was wearing, so I could wake up and proceed to wear them all day Sunday.

Emily had a movie showing that night at her work and invited Alec and I to go watch. Her boss told her to "bring your friends". We had nooooooooo idea what we were in for. Turns out it was totally classy and business-y with a lot of important people and fancy french finger food. naturally first thing we do is grab a beer and "business mingle" according to alec. Talked to cute boy with a mustache from Emily's work. Watched video on education reform. focused on High Tech High, a progressive high school in California that isn't involved in a school district. It's takes the framework of the education system that has been in place for over 100 years and just shatters it. Shatters it harder than a wooden chair being roof tested off a frat house. They do hands on, collaborative, student run projects throughout the semester, starting freshmen year. No tests, no grades, just an exhibition at the end of the year to show off the projects. The film focused on one freshmen class and their project was a history class on the rise and fall of civilizations, and a woodworking, engineering class with gears and computers and laser cutting machines. Their end project was very impressive. After the film, we moved into this big, unfinished room with a few tables and a bunch of chairs, and we grabbed another beer and were allowed to eat and mingle more for a bit. We ended up at a table, and we watched as a panel of five men from the community got asked a bunch of questions by other important members of the community. Being the youngest people in the room, we were quite timid to ask any questions. The questions were supposed to be based on the movie we just watched, and for the most part they were. A lot of the answers were focused mainly on Building 21, some new high school in Allentown that's supposed to be similar to this "High Tech High". One of the men was the superintendent of Allentown, another was Bethlehem School District's superintendent, another man said himself that his wife was better qualified to be on that panel than he was, the man on the far right was a professor at Lehigh whom I've never met, and the last man I don't remember. Notice how the entire panel was a panel of men. Not one woman was invited to be on the panel. Since it didn't have high school education as the main focus, I refrained from addressing the lack of women on the panel. Also fun fact, the only people in the room sake for ONE soul were middle-aged to old white people. All the men on the panel? Old white men. Some of the questions the ladies in the crowd had were actually blasting these men. One addressed the fact that some of the kids in their schools can't even read. Another asked about how these progressive schools are beneficial to kids with common learning disorders such as dyslexia. (also who the hell picked the spelling for dyslexia? I never remember how to spell it and I don't have a lingual disability). Another woman actually said how they HAD progressive project-based programs in their school, in the ARTS department of their school, but had to cut them due to government budget cuts. The men on the panel had very nice, generic and vague responses to most, if not all, of the questions. Nonetheless, I learned a lot from this movie and discussion. Some about educational reforms, and some about how racism and sexism are subtle and real and everybody is so numb to it that they're comfortable with it.

Sunday night we wanted to do something ridiculous. Trespassing and swimming naked in the Lehigh river sound good? yep! Pretty sure that's how you become better friends with the friends you already have; get naked and do illegal things. It was dark and I had a flashlight and we were in the middle of the woods and the river was cold and it was frightening and amazing and I loved every second of it.

I woke up Monday morning and pretended to be productive. But I really just sat in my room until 2pm and then went to Alec's house. It's basically a second home. I walked in and he was in the midst of rewiring his entire house speaker system while his landlord pretended to be an electrician. Turns out, neither Alec nor his landlord are electricians. Once Tim, the landlord, left, Alec and I did some major home improvement on his house. Including but not limited to: vacuuming his entire basement ceiling to get rid of the cobwebs, fixing his pool table, and tying cables to straightened out coat hangers and shoving them through holes in the basement roof and up through the living room hole floor. I told Alec he ruined a perfectly good hanger and he proceeded to tell me "naw it's all good we can still use it for abortions". Blatantly kidding, so don't get crazy. It was funny. We picked up Emily and went to the beer supply store. Alec brews beer, and we got to help. It starts out with boiling three gallons of water, then adding some hops, and more hops, and some malt barley and some wheat, aaaaaaand some yeast? I dunno. But it takes about 3 hours. and there's some stirring, and a pretty intense cooling process with water in the sink or something. Then, you put the pot in a cool place and let it ferment for two weeks. I think this batch is gonna be called "the pursuit of hoppiness" according to alec. He's so punny. We played some cards, and I learned how to play hearts. USA women's soccer team won their first game, go America. Alec, Brad, Emily and I played ruit (Lehigh talk for beer pong) in the basement, best 2 of 3, except it was strip-ruit. Each time you lost, you had to take an article of clothing off. Won't tell you who took off what, but I will tell you that it was girls against boys, and we lost twice.

Tuesday was Taco Tuesday, per usual. Woke up at 12pm, did some financial aid things with momma via Facetime, and had a battle with Wells Fargo. I actually hate Wells Fargo. They locked me out of my account, wouldn't let me change my password, and their phone service is ridiculously useless. I almost went cliff jumping today at Peace Rock in Hamburg, but then plans fell through because all of my friends work until 5pm every day, and that's pretty much when daytime activities happen, like river swimming and cliff jumping. Somehow I rallied everybody at my house for Taco Tuesday. So the 8 of us made tacos and margaritas and probably thoroughly scared my new housemate, because together I think we are a loud crew. We cause a ruckus, often, most places we go. I like having friends.

And now it's almost midnight and I'm binge watching It's Always Sunny, typing up a blog for you good people. If you're reading this right now, you're awesome, and I love you. thanks for reading.

Now I get to fall asleep and dream up some more awesome things to do tomorrow. Friends welcome, texts appreciated, snapchats preferred.

Waiting For Love.

Monday:

My car has a flat tire. Sick. It wasn't flat all at once, either. It took its damn time deflating. Which could mean that it had a nail in it, according to mom. Sunday night I dropped it off at the STS station down the street and walked home alone in the dark. I need to talk more walks. They're wonderful. // Early Monday morning I got up and rode my bike for the first time in a long time. Dropped off my keys so they could work on my car. I packed up my room and ate some breakfast, plopped on the couch and put on the TV. What's on besides How to Train Your Dragon. Cool. Might as well watch it. // An hour later they call me and my car is fixed. Since Frank overslept his alarm and was two hours late for school, I asked him to drop me off on his way. Car fixed, take it home, throw all of my shit into it and hit the road. Trying to get to Lehigh as quick as possible, because my friend needed a ride to King of Prussia at 12:15.

When we got back I went to my storage unit with Alec (the bestie is back from Prague thank god). He was a good sport about it. I sat at his house for half an hour while we finished an episode of X-files before we left. X-files is really creepy. I can't tell if I like it or not. // Moved stuff into my house. Time to cook dinner at his house. We goofed around before making dinner, and were only half paying attention to any of the cooking we were doing. I got to meet his new friend kevin. Dinner was pasta with chicken and onions and brussel sprouts. The Frisbee girls came over to see his house for the first time. We did hoodrat things. Jk. we sat around. I fell asleep on his couch and drove home around midnight.

Tuesday:

It was raining on Tuesday. I didn't move things into my storage unit. I didn't do much of anything. So I went for a run. I got lost between the bridges, and ended up out there for 45 minutes. It was cold and wet. I couldn't tell if I was sweating or just soaking wet.

Next, picked up Alec to go to the grocery store to get all the fixings for the first of many Taco Tuesdays. Picked up Em from work on our way. I don't like grocery shopping. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what I need to buy. I don't know how to adult. I go in there and just grab all the things I could possibly think of  that I'll need to eat. No rhyme or reason. Disregarding all money. It's a terrible approach.

Brought my groceries to my house, and didn't want to drive my car to Alec's house because, well, ya know, taco tuesday also means tequila tuesday. Gotta be safe, ya hear? So I wrote my tiny little penny board to his house. I need to invest in a long board eventually. Or bring my bike out here. Although the penny board is quite a workout. Emily made guac, Alec and Brad cooked, and the rest of the girls made the drinks. It was the most delicious taco tuesday I've ever had. such a success.

Alec's house has a pullup bar, so we created a "toll". You have to do two pull ups every time you enter the living room to pay the toll. We're all gonna have jacked arms one day.

We played this game. OH my god. There were about ten of us. and you sit at a table in a circle. Each person gets dealt one card at a time. It's called Kings. The first person to get dealt a king gets to go choose any alcohol they want and put it on the table. The next person who gets a king gets to go choose a mixer. Mind you, to be considered a mixer, it has to be a liquid and have an alcohol percentage of below 5%. The third person to be dealt a king gets to mix the drinks in a cup any way they want to. The person who gets the last king has to drink whatever drink is made by the first three kings. FOR EXAMPLE. We had olive oil and Gin, Apple Pie Moonshine and Grenadine, Tequila and Almond Milk, Buttercup Schnapps and Rum Chata, etc. You get the point. It's absolutely ridiculous and I can't believe we played it. We even added a rule that if you got dealt two of a kind during one round, you had to chug a cream based Genessee ale before it was over. Lord send help.

I walked home with diva and dot, and I had my skateboard. The street behind their house is hill, and it was too steep to stand up and skateboard down, so, I sat. I put my feet on the ground infront of me as brakes, and I just straight street luged it down. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I continued to luge down more streets on my way home. For some reason I was feeling very ambitious on my ride home, and I made it home in record time. However, as soon as I got outside of my house, LIke twenty feet in front of it, I wiped out so hard. I was getting cocky so I was drifting left and right, and it was going fine except for the fact that the roads were wet. So much blood. much bandaids needed. I fell asleep with an open water in my bed, and I woke myself up by jerking really fast and the entire water bottle (one liter because Nalgene) splashed all over me like a tidal wave. I was soaked from head to hips, my pillows were soaked, my sheets and mattress were soak. So stripped my bed of the sheets, stripped myself of my clothes, and went to sleep.

Wednesday: Although Wednesday isn't over yet, this is when I find myself writing the blog. I have done two things today, paid my rent, and got the rest of my room stuff out of my storage unit. Since then, I've been sitting on the floor of my room feebly attempting to put everything in a place and make it feel like a room. I found my fan and it's been drying off my mattress for the past 3 hours. How exactly do you dry a mattress? Not sure. Winging it. Alec suggested Gold Bond. I believed him for a hot second then was like, wait that's stupid.

Tonight in store for myself I'm thinking monopoly or scrabble with the friends, and some more sleeping. Am I going to continue using my skateboard even though I ate shit last night? absolutely. Practice makes perfect. and it's a better workout than walking.

Here are some songs because music.

Surrender - cash cash

beautiful now - zedd (this on is a little creepy but I like it)

lastly...

waiting for love - avicii