Suspension

My blog will be suspended from here on out until further notice.

Chicago

I am feeling so many things right now, words haven't been created for me to properly express them. Sometimes it's like I'm an empty shell. I look normal on the outside, but if you hit me hard enough, I would shatter into a million little pieces and there would be nothing inside. Like one of those Wonderballs when we were kids, the hollow chocolate balls with candies inside? Yeah, but my candies are missing. Or I'm like a balloon, with a thin translucent layer, and all it takes is a sharp prick, and I'll explode.

I cleaned my room tonight because when I'm upset I clean, and I was listening to paramore and lying on my newly visible carpet, staring at my ceiling fan. All of the sudden my cat came up and just laid down next to me. Didn't even say a word, just laid there. I was thinking a weird thought. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, just poof, died, was gone, I would be okay with it. If I dropped out of school, quit my job, ran away from home, threw away my phone and all of my clothes, and then poof, well,  I would be okay with it. I'm not saying I want this to happen, So don't try and make me see a doctor, but I'm just saying, if it did happen, I really wouldn't mind. Interesting what lying on a floor staring at a ceiling fan can make you think. Dying is literally so normal it's weird. It's as normal as being born, and existing.

Also.. this:

pure genius. 

Telling somebody to "grow up" doesn't make sense to me. It is as logical as telling somebody "get taller!". The logical is similar because there is nothing we can physically do to get taller, we get taller every second of every day, and there's nothing we can do to change the process of height. We know we will be taller one day, but we can't make that day come any sooner. So, saying "get taller" does nothing. Similarly with "grow up", we are growing up every moment of every day. Even if we are told by somebody to grow up, how can them telling us that possibly help us to grow? That's like yelling at a tree to make air faster. Make air, tree! Or like telling a dog, Be Loyal! or telling a pot of water, Boil faster! These things just take time. They are happening, and like the tree and the pot and the dog, they need to be given the opportunity to do the things they are capable of doing. Being told to do something that you aren't physically, mentally, or emotionally able to do any quicker than you are already doing it is a seriously frustrating thing. And it's an upsetting kind of frustration because you are trying, and you want to do better and be better, but it comes in time. Not all at once, and especially not in the moment that you are being told to do so.

Today I went to the vet to check on one of the kitties. Nothing drastic. Doctor appointment today, I'm getting more headaches lately. Which isn't great news, but it's not the worst that could be happening. They come either at the back of my head by my neck or right in the front, behind my eyes. Those are the worst kind. They're almost blinding. I got my eyebrows waxed today So i look like a normal human again. AND put gas in my car. who would've known it would've came in handy later on today. Tunafish sub in a tub for lunch. Then tori came over for what would've been a jam session at my house, but since my mom was throwing a total shit fit, it was moved to her house. Here's what came from that ...

Then, since I was absolutely not trying to go home, I took a way longer drive than normal. 35 to Seaside and back, 71 to Asbury and back. Got a lot of thinking done. and listening to some great music. Did my summer playlist and oh my was it full of glorious throwbacks. Songs just suck you back into a moment in time. It's great. magic. poof. Picked up spano's for dinner, but forgot to offer my mom something for dinner, Can't win, ever.

Advice I wish I had given myself:
When you're angry with someone, it's so easy to say things based off of emotions and impulses. But you have to remember that words have a certain energy about them. Once they're said, they exist. They don't go away. Their energy clings to the person you said them to, either filling them up, or in this case, breaking them down. With enough negative words, well.. picture a person covered in leeches. That's what I picture. Negative words are leeches, they stick around sometimes without even you noticing they're there (trust me, leeches are sneaky and you can't even feel them), but one day you'll look to find that they've taken everything and left you empty. Words are special. I mean, they are our primary source of communication. So when you say things, remember that they stick around long after you regret saying them. Have you heard of the children's book "Have you filled a bucket today?" It's quite applicable, for adults and young adults as well. Basically, everyone is always carrying invisible buckets at all times. When you say nice things to people, it helps fill their bucket as well as your own. When you say mean things to people, it empties their bucket, and doesn't fill yours at all. Buckets are like happiness basically. Wouldn't the world be better if we went around filling buckets instead of emptying them? Just saying. Do good, feel good.

I wish Saturday would hurry up. Robbie needs to come home already. and then monica. and then all of my friends.

here's a song. that I like. enjoy x

Lost in my mind

What I wake up to every morning now:

5 people done for Christmas gifts, only a few left. Somethings I ordered from Lehigh were out of stock, so then sent me only 1 of the things I ordered. Cool cool. Guess I'll just have to order new stuff and cross my fingers that they have it. Although, I'm Super pumped to have a job and money and can get nice things for people who are nice to me. Although my love should be a suitable gift, I think tangible gifts will be a nice addition.

Work tonight is exceptionally average minus one or two people. I notice if I smile at people, they stop what they're saying, or stammer. Maybe my smile is just that stunning. Or what if no one has smiled at them all day? Imagine a world where you only see a real life smile once a day? How sad. A boy I went to high school with came in tonight. He recognized me before I did him. He told me I was having a nice hair day. How sweet was that? We've been chatting since. Also, a friend from high school messaged me yesterday and it put a smile on my face. We spent a year thinking we hated one another, and then it was just awk sauce and now it's normal. (Hey you). 

I was talking to VD tonight (good luck on your history exam tomorrow!) and she gave me some advice about people and rumors that I liked. 

"We can't just go by what other people have heard. If we did that, people would be very lonely" 

-Victoria DeLena 

And then after work I picked her up and took one of those famous "drives in Aly's car down 35" my friends seem to like so much. I do them all the time alone, but company makes all the difference. Good music played real loud, good people, and good talks. It's a recipe for friendship and good feelings. It's like for those 45 minutes nothing really matters. I feel significant and insignificant at the same time. Filled up so big by feeling good, while looking up at the stars and out at the sea and feeling so small. It's an interesting paradoxical feeling that I live for. It's funny that we are tiny little blips on a pale blue dot in space. Truly, in the scope of the universe, we don't even matter. We don't make one difference. But maybe to one person or a couple people, we can make all the difference in the world. I know that some people make up my world. No matter how small of a part you think you play, it's much bigger I promise.

Lost in my Mind - The head and the heart 

Why do cats love walking/sitting/lying on computers so badly? I do not understand the appeal. The world may never know.

Please take me to bed mommy. I'm tired meow. 

why yes, that IS an entire glass of milk on the floor. Thanks Santino (who is no longer felix). Thinking he could jump onto my night stand. Ah well. no use crying over spilled milk? 

also , here's a quick tip :

"Life becomes easier when you accept an apology you never got" 

enjoy x 

Letters to Jackie

Let's just say one of the best things that's ever happened was when a way to auto-save documents was created. because guess who just accidentally exited out of the tab with this post in it without saving it to a draft manually this. This girl. Yep. when I came back, it was still here. Hallelujah.

I woke up this morning to the cutest cat I've ever seen, curled up at the end of my bed. We had a cat when I was younger but he died by the time I was 10. I'm not used to cuddly, fluffy, confusing love that you get from a cat. I say confusing because you pet them, and they pur, and they love it, and yet, they just want to bite you. They run away from you when you want to love them, but when you sit down alone on your computer, then want to be in your lap. Even though it's confusing love, it's still love, so I'll take it. If two cats I just met yesterday can love me, I should be able to love me too.

I watched more TV today than I usually do. Two things on that peaked my interest, both being on TLC. Which stands for "The Learning Channel" btw. In case any of you didn't know. Because believe me, I know some of you didn't know that. The first show is Long Island Medium. My name is Theresa Caputo. and I talk to dead people. I think the show is amazing. I'm not sure how corny and fake you think it is, but I think it's truly fantastic. There have been so many real things that happened on that show, and she's just a person, with a family, and well.. talks to dead people. There was a normal episode on, followed by a "questions" episode where theresa and her family answer fan questions. It was interesting to see them not necessarily "acting". I like that. I like seeing my favorite actors and actresses in interviews, because it makes them more real. American Horror Story this week touched on the afterlife, or, lackthereof. I'm not too concerned about it. Either there is something or there isn't something, but How are we going to know anyway? Cause we'll be dead. Maybe the time we're alive is the only time we get. and maybe there's so much more. Regardless, it doesn't matter, because we'll never know. In american Horror story, they bring a girl back from the dead and her friend asks her if she saw a bright light, and she said no. just darkness. black. Obviously that's just a fiction tv series' take on it, but it's food for thought. 

The next show, which I am currently watching is "Letters to Jackie: Remembering JFK". It's amazing. How little I knew about JFK. Turns out he was assassinated in Dallas, TX. Good to know. He was the youngest president the US has ever had, elected at 43. He was the first president to be born in the 20th century. I can't imagine what it's like to find out the leader of your nation is dead. The show said people just started breaking down and weeping in the streets. I'm not sure if they were so upset because they lost John F. Kennedy the person, or John F. Kennedy the President. Because He seems like one of those guys that you feel like you know without ever meeting. I'm not sure how I would feel if the President was assassinated right now. Obviously I would be sad, because he's a human being, and a father, husband, all that. But how would I feel, how would it impact me in short term and long term? I'm not sure. Same goes for 9-11. For every day of my life up until and including 9-10-01, I lived a world where the twin towers were just really tall pretty buildings. Who knew that the falling of those towers would forever scar the date 9-11 for everyone in my generation and older. It blows my mind that kids who are 12, 13, 14.. aren't old enough to remember it. Not saying that being 7 years old I knew the impact it had on the world right then and there, but I at least remember it happening, being pulled out of school, watching the news, etc. and I'm sure that's how people feel about the JFK assassination, or at least similarly. I wasn't alive for it, it didn't affect me truly and actually. But it's still important because it's a part of this country's history, and he was just an awesome guy, who was a son and a husband and a father. This show is just proving to me that people care about other people. Because it's not called "letters about JFK" its specifically called Letters to Jackie, because that's what these people were doing. Writing to a woman who just lost her husband. It makes me smile a sad smile.

"I thought if the american people cried hard enough and long enough, that we would wake up" 

Like when Tinkerbell was dying in Peter Pan, if the children clapped loud enough, and America cried hard enough, She would wake up, and the nightmare would be gone. I feel like we all feel like this sometimes. I know I have. about one thing or another. That maybe if you close your eyes as hard as you can, when you open them, it'll be true. 

I feel like we don't have figures as "great" as ones that existed in the past. Who is the modern day JFK or MLK? Who will there be holidays for when My children have children?

Handwritten letters are so underrated. We should all write letters more.

We renamed our cats again. Now the Little kitty is named Katniss, and we're calling the black one Felix. He really warmed up to me today. By midday he was following me around and letting me pet him, and right now he's snuggled up next to me sleeping as I type this. Kitty isn't too far either, just an arms reach away, being as cute as ever.

a song from one of my favorite movies, 500 days of summer, with zooey deschanel and Joseph gordon-levitt

enjoy.

Kitten Chow

Since I'm typing this passed midnight, I need to give a little shout out to my girl Molly Higgins, Happy 20th Birthday betch. Congrats on being old, and beating teen pregnancy. (I'm repeatedly saying this because I'm so damn amazed that you did it). Don't do anything I wouldn't do. <3 enjoy yer day.

I woke up today to seven texts messages from my mom each saying "KITTY!!!" The pet adoption agency opens at 11 and is open until 2. She told me when I got up that it was 10:55 and I needed to be up and dressed so we could get there before everyone else. I was in such a rush I didn't event bother checking the actual time, I just threw on whatever clothes were on the top of the basket, brushed my teeth, and hopped in the car. turns out it was about 10:30 when she woke me up.

It was super busy when we got there, but we were the first ones to be helped, we got there at 11:04. Punctual for a first. After two hours of paperwork and picking out cat toys and litter and bowls and food and lots of other things, we FINALLY got to take our cats home. The newest additions to our home, Peppercorn "Pepper" "kitten chow" "kitty meow meow" "meow meow kitten chow", and Santino number 2 "sonny" "modigliani" "momo" moddy".. They really have a range of nicknames. Although pepper comes RUNNING from one side of the house to the other when I say "here Kitty meow meow! come come!" When they were first settling in, sonny was shy but then really really friendly, and was letting everybody pet and love him. Kitten Chow was being a rambunctious kitten and not wanting to be help much. As time went on, Momo found himself under my parents bed, and absolutely nothing could coerce him out. I tried.. and got wounded, and was like.. fuck this. stay under the bed then. Can't stay there forever. I will love you eventually, whether you like it or not. Kitty Kitty Meow Meow on the other hand became a kitten scarf, Lying on our shoulders/necks/chests and snoozing and purring like crazy. I'm in love with that little thing. She slept on me for about two hours today. ugh, too much cuteness. Although we had a near death aversion tonight, she jumped about 4 feed from the ottoman to the bar because she spotted a toy up there, and she landed hanging by her two front paws, and a drawer door was lying on the bar and she pulled it right off on top of herself. She is seemingly unscathed though. I mean, it was like a 3 foot long piece of wood falling on her. Nearly gave me a heart attack. I have no idea where they are now, but I'm hoping to find one in my bed tomorrow morning. Here's to wishful thinking.

momo

moddy

OHMYGOSH look at those tufts of hair coming out of her ears

sweepy kitty meow 

mommy and kitten chow

Santino's big "fuck off" to me. 

DAWH. look at dat pussy cat. 

Overheard from my little brother's room while he's playing with the cat.. "She's so cute I'm gonna die.. Do you think you can die from cuteness?"

eat your heart out xx

enjoy. 

Stutter

Stutter by Maroon 5

Happy Friday. I hope it treated you right. First thing lined up on my friday was a doctor appointment. Good news? He said this was the best week I've had since I've been back. So that's promising. Keep up the good work. Will do.

I like to sing in the car as loud and as heartfelt as I physically can. Sometimes I'll start sobbing while singing, because the song hits me in a funny way. Although today I was driving and I passed a funeral in session, well, a burial actually, and it was really really sad, even though I have no idea who it was. I was trying to analyze my indecisiveness and my inability to express emotions and thoughts correctly out loud, and I realized it's because I'm not 100% sure on what I like and I don't like. With some things, I'm sure, but with others, I feel a severe fog of indifference. There are so many things that I am indifferent to, I just have no opinion of whatsoever. I've decided that things that I like are constantly changing, so when I know I like something, I really take it and run with it, until it fades. Watched a video about loving things and how that makes you truly sad. It was interesting. It said that when you find something or someone you love a really lot, whether it's a friendship or a relationship or whatever, you find yourself fearing more than ever that it will end. Because you are faced with the very real fact that nothing is permanent. You may find yourself missing things before they are even gone or done, because you know all to well then they will end, or be done. This is a sticky situation. What do we do? Do we hold on a tighter and longer until the very end, enhancing both the love and the heartache, or do we learn to let go, and distance ourselves, taking buddhas approach of no strings attached, dulling the love and the heartache? It's a toss-up, but I'm all for tighter, longer, more, if it means more things to love then count me in.

Here's the link, in case I didn't do it justice..
http://www.upworthy.com/are-you-happy-and-in-love-here-s-why-that-makes-you-so-sad?g=2

Our stray cat Santino came back today. He hung out for a few hours, Frank seems to have taken a liking to him. Then we let him out when it was time for us to leave, and he went under the neighbors fence, off to have kitty adventures. I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow. Silly cat.

meow.

I stopped to get a smoothie today. They offered me a free "booster" in it, which I've never been offered ever, so I picked multivitamin. Cool cool. How convenient, Third Avenue Chocolates is right next door. Spend my money on chocolate or waxing my eyebrows? Obviously chocolate. Sea-salt caramels? Yes please. Bought mommy a variety box just because I love her. She was happy with it. Went to the bank, like inside of it, today with mom. I've only been inside of my bank like 4 times. I don't like talking to people. I just like the ATM. It accepts cash and check deposits, and it gives me money. What more could I need? Anyway, mom and I were getting our business taken care of when a regular walks up to the counter. One of the tellers from the back speaks up, "Two deposit slips and a withdrawal? What are you, just putting it in and taking it out?" To which he replies without hesitation "That's what she said." I literally couldn't believe he said that. Grown adults. I was the youngest person in the area, and that's what one grown adult says to another, in public, in front of other people. She gave a half hearted, obligatory laugh, and our bank teller just put her head down in disbelief. It was really awkward actually, at least I thought it was.

After the bank, the next stop was somewhat unexpected but very exciting. We took a ride over to the pet store the inquire about animal adoption. I won't reveal anything too soon in case I jinx it, but keep checking back over the next couple days for updates! ;)

I'm doing a lot of my christmas shopping lately. Got about half of the actual gifts ordered online, and the other half I have ideas I just need to go places and get them. Christmas is muh fave time of yurrr.

On a last note, Rob and Monica come home for thanksgiving in like .. 11 days and less. It's going to be so much fun I can hardly wait. the anticipation is killing me.

Time for ice cream with Betty. Of course. What's new. om nom nom nom nom.


here are some songies. enjoy xx .

How long will I love you - ellie Goulding

heard some girl singing this on vine today. I LOVE this song.

this music video FREAKS me out though because when they're in the car, it's backwards. It's just not right. 

somewhere only we know - keane

also a gem. 

Proof

Proof by paramore

Tuesday basically didn't exist. Honestly, I thought it was Tuesday on Wednesday until my friend reminded me. I probably played video games all day. I didn't have work, but I did have a dr appt. so I did that. That's all I remember happening. Oh and I showered. I like to shower with the lights off and just sunlight through the window coming in. It feels sort of like an outdoor shower when I do that. When I get my own house one day, I want an outdoor shower. They're my favorite. 

Then Wednesday. Hump day. Did some mindless game playing. Then after waiting hours for my mother to shower, we went to the jersey shore outlets and did some quick shopping. But not without me having to sit on the dressing room floor doing hand/eye exercises so I wouldn't pass out. Sigh. My outside is about as equally as frail as my inside is now a days. What happened. Ended up getting two tops. Thanks momma. Time for dinner at spanos? Oh yes please. Feed me all there is to feeds. Rice balls and meat balls (feeling a trend here? Unintentional) and cheese cake and freshly made mozzarella. I'm a spoiled girl. American horror story did NOT disappoint this week. Nor did it leave me Unsatisfied like last weeks did. Way to go. 

Time for a brief mental breakdown. Not wanting to go back to school, wanting to go back to school, not wanting to be home, wanting to be home, just a general feeling of disconnection from everyone around me. I want to close myself off. I don't want anyone's help. I don't want to talk to anybody and I don't want anybody to talk to me. I dunno what makes me feel this way and I don't care. Falling asleep hysterically inconsolable like when I was a kid is somewhat soothing. 

I woke up this morning in a better mood, to something strange. A cat... in my bed. 

Everybody meet Santino. The STRAY cat my parents decided to take in. He was fun while he lasted. He likes to lie in the sun so since a nickname for Santino is sonny, it seems appropriate. According to my friend down the street, he's the neighborhood cat who's been around for a while. I wish he would've stayed. We fed him fresh flounder and he slept in my bed and laid in the yard in the sun. But alas, he disappeared. I'm fairly confident he'll come back though. He's an outdoor/indoor cat. 

Majestic little stray.

 Took a shower and ptfo'd hard in my bed in my bathrobe and had crazy-naked-after-shower-nap dreams. Seriously. Weird. Was 7 minutes late to work because I was blow drying my hair and simultaneously updating my iTunes because it was malfunctioning. Whoops to multitasking. I told my boss my car wouldn't start and I had to jump it. But seriously, it was 7 minutes.you can have the 76 cents from my pay. 

This old bag rolls up, wrinkles upon wrinkles, and orders four packs of cigarettes. Don't smoke 'em all at once, lady. Another woman, orders two packs but her voice is so raspy I can't even hear her.. This boy took his change and his fingernails were longer than mine have ever been in my entire life. So long This bearded man drives up and did not make eye contact with me once. Just stared at my boobs. Ordered turkey hill Lemonade. My sweater had some holes in it so it's cute and you can see some skin I guess? So to him it was like hubba hubba. Please. As if. Go away now. He actually came back, twice, getting more lemonade. These are half gallons we're talking about. Who drinks that much lemonade?

So kids, What have I learned today at work?

Boys with long nails, turn off

Boys who stare at your chest, turn off 

Older women with raspy voices, turn off

Girls with raspy voices under 30, turn on

Smoking four packs of cigarettes, turn off

Manners and people who tip, turn on

Things I learned from hot brunette I will call Olivia Wilde, 

Electric blue nail polish, turn on

Braided hair and a beanie, turn on 

Beat-up SUV, turn on 

A boy from Gerard's liquors next door walks over to buy mayo. Lucky for me, my receipt machine was broken and beeping and wouldn't shut, so he spent ten minutes in here trying to fix it. Such a cutie . 

Boys who have brown eyes and scruffy facial hair who help try and fix my register, turn on. 

People who tell me I gave them the wrong change when I know I didn't, turn off.

A man pulls up and says "wow you're new" and I said yeah a few weeks now. And he sits there and stares at me "uhm. Uh. .....sorry, pretty girls just distract me" smooth, pal. Finally he finds some words, and then as he's leaving he says "stay pretty" thanks stranger. He was older, but there's nothing wrong with thinking. As long as I don't go for dads in real life yet then I'm okay. 

I've had multiple people buying lotto tickets tonight telling me if they win they'll throw me a couple bucks. One old geezer told me he'd take me on a date and get me a coffee. A small coffee, he added. I laughed. People are funny. 

Ironically, some guy came in today and won $97 on a Pick 4, didn't even throw me a buck. Cool, guy. 

I dislike working Thursdays because it means I have to lug ten body bags to the curb for garbage pick up Friday morning. But, joe bringing me chicken francaise home for dinner totes makes up for Thursday's level of suck. 

I've learned that ripping scratch off lottery tickets is not my forte.

Sometimes people surprise you by being exactly who they are. And they keep coming through for you no matter what, despite distance. I have the best friends in the entire world. And I mean it when I say the world. Whether it's an hour or two by car, or 3,500 miles overseas. Don't know what I would do without you. Even if I'm all by myself, I should probably stop feeling so lonely. Cause if I close my eyes, it's like you're here. You matter to me. Like crazy. 

I found this on a dollar I was counting at the end of my shift tonight, WHILE I was listening to Ellie Goulding. Coincidence? I think not. 

I missed 141414, but this was the next best thing. 

She's So mean

Since Jenna Marbles is my favorite blogger/vlogger/Youtuber on the planet, I decided to have some friends help me make a response to one of the videos she made. Link, here. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQq4-3crqGA

I realized I haven't posted a blog in about 6 days. Last wednesday I guess? whooooops.

let's see. since then, Thursday I had work. This one lady had the teeniest tiniest hands in the whole world. Her hand, fingers included, was as big as my palm. No joke. The 67 cents I gave her almost fell out of her hands. that tiny. But the weirder part was the her body was moderately normal sized.

Friday Betty came home, and we had ice cream sundaes, and I had to bring my own Milk and whipped cream, because betty's house didn't have whipped cream, and they only have Skim Milk. I am very against skim milk. it tastes like milk flavored water. The sundaes were good, the ice cream was chocolate chip. not Mint Chocolate chip. Just chocolate chip. We played racing games for Wii. They get me going.



...... s'you'll never guess what I just did. I had my entire blog post typed out from here, on my phone, because I did it at work while I was bored, and I got home and accidentally hit "discard" instead of "save". So.. there's that. Now I have to try and remember all of the prophetic things that I said Using my Siri App that listens to me and types it out.


I was really looking forward to Saturday. Two of my friends visited me from school! We drove around by the beach, hung out at my house, picked up betty and went to surf taco for guacamole and chips. And about a dozen games of connect 4. Then we went back to my house, played more racing games (betty and I are on a game kick, we'll see how long it lasts) and Andrew and his friend from school came to visit for about .2234 seconds. Next stop, Spano's for dinner. Being the keen beans that we are, we had it all planned out to each pick a partner and split a meal, and get one appetizer to the four of us. Still went home with leftovers. How does that even happen? I have to say, I have never laughed harder during a meal in my entire life. We laughed from the moment we sat down and just didn't stop. Rachel and Betty were the ones who always started the laughter, usually after Me or Becca said something. Becca and I played off each other and the other two just went crazy, making us laugh even harder. We played the laughing game, where you stare at someone straight-faced, and whoever laughs first loses. It was genuine laughter. Side slipping, stomach aching laughter. Lots of it. Moments like this are hard to come by. We laughed our way through dinner, and on towards dessert. Ice cream at Hoffmann's please. Becca made a mess of herself. can't take her anywhere. after stuffing our faces we rolled ourselves to the car and onwards to my house, to loaf around the living room and make a hilariously funny video (see top). Cookie pants, on. Jeans won't button. Finally it was time for them to part, after a quick car battery mishap. Hopefully we'll see each other again before christmas. And hopefully next year we can room together? that would be a fantastic nightmare. oh gawd.

Today was comfortably identical to most Mondays. Woke up to sunbeams on my face, the breeze of my fan gently dancing across my eyelids, lifting them open. I sat in a tight ball, blankets up to my eyes, messaging my fav gals a happy good morning (or afternoon depending on the time zone). Mom assembled corn beef hash and over easy eggs for breakfast, in bed. She's a great woman. Then I played Playstation 2 for hours on end, until I had to go to work. Work was boring and lonely. Victoria visited me today at work. She stuck around for a while to keep me company. It was nice. I was so bored I made lots of vines and listened to my itunes on shuffle. I got things from Jar of Hearts - christina perri to High School Musical to john mayer to Michael Buble's christmas album. It was a jolly good time. 

I hate newspapers. THe feeling of them on my hands is comparable to the level of horrible that is nails on a chalk board. It makes my skin crawl. After dealing with the newspapers at work tonight, I washed my hands twice, for extended lengths of time. the Ink irritates my skin, making everything I touch feel like newspaper too. I feel like I can't make it go away properly. Also, I just don't like the idea newspapers in general. I think they are obsolete. That's what the internet is for. 

Some lady walks up to my door today and asks for a gallon of 2% milk, with a $5 bill, keep the penny (because it's $3.99). So I bring her her milk and dollar bill, and as we make our bartering exchange, she says to me "Ah, that coffee smells so good" Caught off guard, I passively dismiss her with an Mhmm.. and she walks away. The reason it caught me off guard was that I had the coffee burners off for at least an hour and a half, and the coffee pots had been dumped, cleaned, and put back. There was no trace of coffee or the aroma of coffee in my shop for over an hour. So whatever this lady was smellin, it sure wasn't coffee. 

There's a girl, woman, young woman? who comes every time I'm working, and probably every other day too. She gets a pack of newport 100s and a small Redbull. and it comes to $11.25, every time. and she has exact change, every time. She's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. She has brown hair and exaggerated cheek bones, and big eyes, but I can never tell what color they are. maybe brown, maybe green. She looks like Olivia Wilde. She comes with her boyfriend most times though. I like that such beautiful people exist. It makes me happy. 

I'm still reading Paper Towns, and I'm about 2/3 of the way done. I don't read a book without a pen in hand. to underline my favorite parts. but god forbid I do forget to grab a pen, and there isn't one in the immediate area, I do this thing where I fold the corners of the pages with the quotes on them that I like. and then I go back later on to the folded pages, and I reread them, looking for the quote. and on more than one occasion, I've reread a page over and found no such quote. I find nothing significantly interesting at all. How strange is it that our minds can be thinking one thing at one point in time, and something completely different at another. Besides the universe and the earth's oceans, the brain has the most undiscovered things about it I would say. There's so much we don't know. There's a lot of the "whats" and "hows" and "wheres" .. but not a lot of "whys". The whys are ALWAYS the most important thing in the world. always ask why, if you ask anything at all. 

Here are some quotes that I like. Even though you're reading them out of context, you could try giving them their own context maybe. 

"I mean, at some point, you gotta stop looking up at the sky. or one of these days you'll look back down and see that you floated away, too."

"you know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves."

"humans lack good mirrors. It's so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel." this quote is especially a favorite for me. I dunno, just is.

"Isn't it also that on some fundamental level we find it difficult to understand that other people are human beings in the same way that we are? We idealize them like gods or dismiss them as animals." this one as well. hits a soft spot. 

"Consciousness makes for poor windows" 

"I honestly never thought of her as anything but my crazy beautiful friend who does all the crazy beautiful things" 

Stocked the cooler with 30 minutes left on the job. 35 degrees in there. which is 2 above freezing. My hands were purple and ashy, and my nose was running down my face by the time I was done. *singing* Closingggg timeeee, you don't have to go home but you can't. stay. here *singing* yep. goin' home. definitely. immediately time for cookie pants. purple one's with owls on them. Oh look time to blog. OH WAIT. time to delete my entire blog and have to spend an hour retyping it.. ah c'est la vie. I would rather love and have lost than never having loved at all. That's all I got for ya. Sorry for not posting in five days. here's a song or two or four.. enjoy xx 

She's So mean - Matchbox 20

Save me San Francisco - Train 

Holoscene - Bon Iver 

Arms - Christina Perri 

Halcyon

some days I want to curl up into a ball and shut everyone out.
I'm jealous and overprotective and I overreact and I obsess. I don't really want to dig that far into that for this blog. Today I just want to curl up in a ball and deflect. deflect. deflect. I deflect while I seek attention. How ass backwards is that?

"People don't change. if someone's broken, they just stay broken"

- New Girl

I woke up late today, what's new. I cleaned my room, so the cleaning ladies could clean it.. Logical? I'm not sure. but if it makes my mom happy, then I should be happy to do it. Mom and I took another bike ride today. I like the amount of time I get to spend with her. Because normally this wouldn't be an option. I took her to some secret spots that you would only know if you grew up here, riding bikes and being teenagers.

just your average plant-looking things by the water

ducks and light and water stuff

Drove myself to Doctor Parks. He told me that I'm better now than I have been since high school. I'd say good news? yeah. I'm frequently reminded how close January is, whether it is encouraging news or not, I'm not sure. But I know that January is further away than September is, the distance to where I am going is greater than the distance to where I was. Leaving me somewhere in the middle with a whiles to go. I dunno how I feel about it. I guess I should feel good.

After the doctor, I went to the movies with mom. Ender's Game was really really good. I love it. Futuristic enough to make you wonder. It was a smart movie, about a smart kid, who learns to be a leader. It was good. You should see it. Whenever I go to the movies, I have two tricks that I do, both of them involving pop corn. the first trick is that I used a straw when putting artificial butter product on my popcorn, I stick it down the sides and fill them with butter product, so the bottom of the popcorn isn't so dry. The second trick is stealing the salt shaker and taking it with me into the theaters, so I never run out of salt, keeping my popcorn savory until the end. They really do try and screw you out of cash. I spent $15.25 on two small popcorns an a box of buncha crunch. rip. off. I would have brought my own popcorn, but  as we were leaving the house I went to pop my own bag and was stopped by our cleaning lady, seeing as she sprayed the whole microwave down with windex, preventing me from popping.

Seeing as today is hump day, and this commercial was played at the movies tonight, it felt most appropriate to post.

After I was home, there wasn't much planned. Blog a little, stop and get frustrated. Talk to my friends, stop and get frustrated. Now I'm watching American horror story, and then I'm going to bed. There's nothing worth staying awake for. I seem to be so annoyed today. Although, I'm currently wearing a finger-flashlight. and it's amazing. guess what color it is.

It's another ellie goulding day. It's turning into an ellie week. Caring? naw.

Close your Eyes and Count to Ten

"cause we got the fire, and we're burnin one hell of a something."

Monday, November 4th

Yesterday was an Ellie Goulding day. all day. and all night at work. repeat doe.

It's interesting to have an optimist (dreamist, really, if that's a thing) as a best friend when you are most certainly a realist. ahaha although she does have her dark moments. One that is hopeful and wishes and dreams and all of that. I hope and wish too, but to what prosperity? none. I agree that it's good to be optimistic, glass half full and stuff, but not to the point of being illogical. Making wishes is fine. But who are you expecting to grant them? your fairy godmother? get Real. (hence my realism approach). The silly part about wishes is expecting them to happen. If you have a wish, here's what you do. You take it, write it down, fold it up, and tuck it away somewhere forever. And then you take every action you can to make that wish come true. Because pining away at wishes will not accomplish anything. I can honestly say I've never had a wish come true without taking any sort of proactive approach to try and put myself in a position where I was closer to making it happen.

two days ago I had lunch with Clayon and her friend Nilsu.  from the Committed Pig in Manasquan.

shameless selfies, because why not? my classic "K" sweater. 

who doesn't love axelrod sour cream. 

I'm reading a new book starting today, well, re-reading an already favorite book of mine, Paper Towns by John Green. I highly recommend it, along with any other John Green book. He's marvelous. I like buying books, so I can mark them. Especially with pen. I don't like electronic books making paper ones seem obsolete, because they're the exact opposite I like to make sure I know all of my favorite quotes and don't forget them. So when I come across quotes I love or points of discussion, expect them to be discussed here. Some quotes are obvious why I high lighted them and posted them here, and others aren't so obvious. it's the not so obvious ones that I feel the need to explain, but I probably won't. Maybe I'll just use them to help you figure me out. 

"we were in the business of mutual amusement, and we were reasonably prosperous" 

"my days had a pleasant identicalness about them"

"College: getting in or not getting in. Trouble: getting in or not getting in. School: getting A's or getting D's. Career: having or not having. House: big or small, owning or renting. Money: having or not having. It's all so boring" 

"Light, the visible reminder of Invisible Light" 

- T.S. Eliot

"that's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people would want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste."

"'My heart is really pounding,' I said. 'That's how you know you're having fun.' Margo said."

"When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really fully and honestly take those back, you know?"

"Everything's uglier up close"

"All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters"

"She raised one leg and gave me all her weight as I dipped her. She either trusted me or wanted to fall."

I honestly don't remember if I've posted this song before and don't feel like checking the archives, but I don't really care either way. It's so good.

Tuesday, November 5th

"remember, remember, the 5th of November" 

If you don't know what that means, I suggest you google it and Culture yourself. 

Today has been a GroupLove kind of day.

I got my paycheck today. finally, an income yo. two thirds of it went in the bank, the rest in my pocket for whatever I want. I decided to use it to buy my friend the birthday present that was two days late (well, it's gonna be 4 days late by the time it arrives. whoops.) Bought it and shipped it today. I cannot WAIT for you to get it. you're gonna love it.

I drove around a while today, because the weather was nice and I had money for gas in my car. I don't know why, but every time I drive my car, it takes me to route 35 south towards Normandy beach. So, since I was there, I decide to get out and walk around a little and take some pictures.

Josh's 14 year old devil dog. 

 Departed the shore and headed home to be a bum. No shame. Watched about 10 episodes of New girl.

Things always happen when we don't expect them to. I'm pretty convinced that I have a six sense though. Or, have you ever had something happen when you were JUST thinking about it? letting you know that hey, maybe I'm doing something right? Well that happened to me in the shower tonight oddly enough. I got a text message from someone who I was in mid-thought about my situation with. Quite weird. But I think it means that I'm doing something right. I like to believe in signs like that. When something unexpectedly freaky happens, and it makes you go "whoa" .. those are the kind of signs that I take as positive. I believe all things happen for a reason. I am a very, very firm believer in that statement. I am also realistic about it, and I don't believe that all of the reasons are out there for us to find, but I just believe they exist. I believe all of us are connected by little invisible strings, one person to another. strings can can overlap, go apart, and overlap to cross paths again, they can run parallel to each other for their whole lives, never meeting once, and they can be braided and woven together, remaining with each other through the rest of eternity. You never know what your strings look like. I picture a map with a whole bunch of dots and overlapping strings, like a guidebook to life. It doesn't predict the future, only the current moment, and previous moments. Because future moments don't exist yet, obviously. Get ready because I think I'm going to go off on a tangent, my thoughts won't stand still. I believe that all things happen for a reason, but I don't believe in pre-destination. I don't think that there is some master plan that one day we will be able to access to see what happens next, because for all we know, there is no "next". I believe in moments. Life is just a bunch of consecutive moments strung together by time. like life is a clothesline, and all of life's moments are hung up side by side as photographs with clothespins. Thats what I see. Or Life is a river, and all of our moments are rocks that we jump to from, constantly jumping from one moment to the next. BUT. there are no rocks to jump to, just the rock you are  standing on. you have to just jump, and a rock appears underneath you, while the one you were just on sinks to the bottom. Metaphorically speaking, you can't go back, and you don't know if the future is gonna be there, so you just have to close your eyes and jump.  And the game's over when you fall in and let the river carry you on the next place. none of this is based off of religion or logic. It's just how I like to look at life. I just made it all up. but I'm pretty sure it has somewhat of an existential basis, using The Stranger by Albert Camus as loose inspiration (senior year english class).

Okay. SO what I was kind of getting at to make this relevant, was to try and inspire you to live in the Now. Because it's all we got. I was searching around quotes yesterday to help me in my argument about wishing, and I came across something cool. I can't find it again to write it, but I'll write what I remember it saying

"I will not be afraid of my own death because it cannot exist while I am still here. It can only exist after I am gone, so why fear it?"

I'm not afraid to die. The opposite really. well, it's not like I'm excited about it, I'm just really curious. Although, I have no expectations for it, because I don't want to be disappointed.

Going off of all of this, I just want to touch on the fact that life is too short not to forgive people. Because holding grudges just eats away at you, from the inside out. Making you a hollow shell of negative thoughts. It's so much easier to forgive someone, for your own benefit, really. And always remember, baby steps. Forgiveness and healing and rebuilding have to be taken in baby steps, no matter what things used to be. That almost makes it irrelevant. You have to take it as it is.

I had a friend message me on Facebook. We'll call him RS. any, RS is a really, really good guy. and he's always been outwardly nice to me, sometimes out of nowhere. and it's people like RS that get taken for granted easily. If you have someone who has only done nice things to you, even if theyre small, and not grand gestures, you have to appreciate those for what they're worth. because they're worth more than you know. remember, you are never "too good" to talk to somebody else. don't take nice people for granted. because they are a dying breed.


That's about it. I'll wrap it up by telling you how AMAZEBALLS my dinner is tonight. My parents brought me home butternut squash gnocchi with figs for dinner and I am elated. Stuffing my face. ugh. so good.

well. enjoy.