"cause we got the fire, and we're burnin one hell of a something."
Monday, November 4th
Yesterday was an Ellie Goulding day. all day. and all night at work. repeat doe.
It's interesting to have an optimist (dreamist, really, if that's a thing) as a best friend when you are most certainly a realist. ahaha although she does have her dark moments. One that is hopeful and wishes and dreams and all of that. I hope and wish too, but to what prosperity? none. I agree that it's good to be optimistic, glass half full and stuff, but not to the point of being illogical. Making wishes is fine. But who are you expecting to grant them? your fairy godmother? get Real. (hence my realism approach). The silly part about wishes is expecting them to happen. If you have a wish, here's what you do. You take it, write it down, fold it up, and tuck it away somewhere forever. And then you take every action you can to make that wish come true. Because pining away at wishes will not accomplish anything. I can honestly say I've never had a wish come true without taking any sort of proactive approach to try and put myself in a position where I was closer to making it happen.
two days ago I had lunch with Clayon and her friend Nilsu. from the Committed Pig in Manasquan.
shameless selfies, because why not? my classic "K" sweater.
who doesn't love axelrod sour cream.
I'm reading a new book starting today, well, re-reading an already favorite book of mine, Paper Towns by John Green. I highly recommend it, along with any other John Green book. He's marvelous. I like buying books, so I can mark them. Especially with pen. I don't like electronic books making paper ones seem obsolete, because they're the exact opposite I like to make sure I know all of my favorite quotes and don't forget them. So when I come across quotes I love or points of discussion, expect them to be discussed here. Some quotes are obvious why I high lighted them and posted them here, and others aren't so obvious. it's the not so obvious ones that I feel the need to explain, but I probably won't. Maybe I'll just use them to help you figure me out.
"we were in the business of mutual amusement, and we were reasonably prosperous"
"my days had a pleasant identicalness about them"
"College: getting in or not getting in. Trouble: getting in or not getting in. School: getting A's or getting D's. Career: having or not having. House: big or small, owning or renting. Money: having or not having. It's all so boring"
"Light, the visible reminder of Invisible Light"
- T.S. Eliot
"that's always seemed so ridiculous to me, that people would want to be around someone because they're pretty. It's like picking your breakfast cereals based on color instead of taste."
"'My heart is really pounding,' I said. 'That's how you know you're having fun.' Margo said."
"When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really fully and honestly take those back, you know?"
"Everything's uglier up close"
"All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters"
"She raised one leg and gave me all her weight as I dipped her. She either trusted me or wanted to fall."
I honestly don't remember if I've posted this song before and don't feel like checking the archives, but I don't really care either way. It's so good.
Tuesday, November 5th
"remember, remember, the 5th of November"
If you don't know what that means, I suggest you google it and Culture yourself.
I got my paycheck today. finally, an income yo. two thirds of it went in the bank, the rest in my pocket for whatever I want. I decided to use it to buy my friend the birthday present that was two days late (well, it's gonna be 4 days late by the time it arrives. whoops.) Bought it and shipped it today. I cannot WAIT for you to get it. you're gonna love it.
I drove around a while today, because the weather was nice and I had money for gas in my car. I don't know why, but every time I drive my car, it takes me to route 35 south towards Normandy beach. So, since I was there, I decide to get out and walk around a little and take some pictures.
Josh's 14 year old devil dog.
Things always happen when we don't expect them to. I'm pretty convinced that I have a six sense though. Or, have you ever had something happen when you were JUST thinking about it? letting you know that hey, maybe I'm doing something right? Well that happened to me in the shower tonight oddly enough. I got a text message from someone who I was in mid-thought about my situation with. Quite weird. But I think it means that I'm doing something right. I like to believe in signs like that. When something unexpectedly freaky happens, and it makes you go "whoa" .. those are the kind of signs that I take as positive. I believe all things happen for a reason. I am a very, very firm believer in that statement. I am also realistic about it, and I don't believe that all of the reasons are out there for us to find, but I just believe they exist. I believe all of us are connected by little invisible strings, one person to another. strings can can overlap, go apart, and overlap to cross paths again, they can run parallel to each other for their whole lives, never meeting once, and they can be braided and woven together, remaining with each other through the rest of eternity. You never know what your strings look like. I picture a map with a whole bunch of dots and overlapping strings, like a guidebook to life. It doesn't predict the future, only the current moment, and previous moments. Because future moments don't exist yet, obviously. Get ready because I think I'm going to go off on a tangent, my thoughts won't stand still. I believe that all things happen for a reason, but I don't believe in pre-destination. I don't think that there is some master plan that one day we will be able to access to see what happens next, because for all we know, there is no "next". I believe in moments. Life is just a bunch of consecutive moments strung together by time. like life is a clothesline, and all of life's moments are hung up side by side as photographs with clothespins. Thats what I see. Or Life is a river, and all of our moments are rocks that we jump to from, constantly jumping from one moment to the next. BUT. there are no rocks to jump to, just the rock you are standing on. you have to just jump, and a rock appears underneath you, while the one you were just on sinks to the bottom. Metaphorically speaking, you can't go back, and you don't know if the future is gonna be there, so you just have to close your eyes and jump. And the game's over when you fall in and let the river carry you on the next place. none of this is based off of religion or logic. It's just how I like to look at life. I just made it all up. but I'm pretty sure it has somewhat of an existential basis, using The Stranger by Albert Camus as loose inspiration (senior year english class).
Okay. SO what I was kind of getting at to make this relevant, was to try and inspire you to live in the Now. Because it's all we got. I was searching around quotes yesterday to help me in my argument about wishing, and I came across something cool. I can't find it again to write it, but I'll write what I remember it saying
"I will not be afraid of my own death because it cannot exist while I am still here. It can only exist after I am gone, so why fear it?"
I'm not afraid to die. The opposite really. well, it's not like I'm excited about it, I'm just really curious. Although, I have no expectations for it, because I don't want to be disappointed.
Going off of all of this, I just want to touch on the fact that life is too short not to forgive people. Because holding grudges just eats away at you, from the inside out. Making you a hollow shell of negative thoughts. It's so much easier to forgive someone, for your own benefit, really. And always remember, baby steps. Forgiveness and healing and rebuilding have to be taken in baby steps, no matter what things used to be. That almost makes it irrelevant. You have to take it as it is.
I had a friend message me on Facebook. We'll call him RS. any, RS is a really, really good guy. and he's always been outwardly nice to me, sometimes out of nowhere. and it's people like RS that get taken for granted easily. If you have someone who has only done nice things to you, even if theyre small, and not grand gestures, you have to appreciate those for what they're worth. because they're worth more than you know. remember, you are never "too good" to talk to somebody else. don't take nice people for granted. because they are a dying breed.
That's about it. I'll wrap it up by telling you how AMAZEBALLS my dinner is tonight. My parents brought me home butternut squash gnocchi with figs for dinner and I am elated. Stuffing my face. ugh. so good.
well. enjoy.
