I cleaned my room tonight because when I'm upset I clean, and I was listening to paramore and lying on my newly visible carpet, staring at my ceiling fan. All of the sudden my cat came up and just laid down next to me. Didn't even say a word, just laid there. I was thinking a weird thought. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, just poof, died, was gone, I would be okay with it. If I dropped out of school, quit my job, ran away from home, threw away my phone and all of my clothes, and then poof, well, I would be okay with it. I'm not saying I want this to happen, So don't try and make me see a doctor, but I'm just saying, if it did happen, I really wouldn't mind. Interesting what lying on a floor staring at a ceiling fan can make you think. Dying is literally so normal it's weird. It's as normal as being born, and existing.
Also.. this:
pure genius.
Telling somebody to "grow up" doesn't make sense to me. It is as logical as telling somebody "get taller!". The logical is similar because there is nothing we can physically do to get taller, we get taller every second of every day, and there's nothing we can do to change the process of height. We know we will be taller one day, but we can't make that day come any sooner. So, saying "get taller" does nothing. Similarly with "grow up", we are growing up every moment of every day. Even if we are told by somebody to grow up, how can them telling us that possibly help us to grow? That's like yelling at a tree to make air faster. Make air, tree! Or like telling a dog, Be Loyal! or telling a pot of water, Boil faster! These things just take time. They are happening, and like the tree and the pot and the dog, they need to be given the opportunity to do the things they are capable of doing. Being told to do something that you aren't physically, mentally, or emotionally able to do any quicker than you are already doing it is a seriously frustrating thing. And it's an upsetting kind of frustration because you are trying, and you want to do better and be better, but it comes in time. Not all at once, and especially not in the moment that you are being told to do so.
Today I went to the vet to check on one of the kitties. Nothing drastic. Doctor appointment today, I'm getting more headaches lately. Which isn't great news, but it's not the worst that could be happening. They come either at the back of my head by my neck or right in the front, behind my eyes. Those are the worst kind. They're almost blinding. I got my eyebrows waxed today So i look like a normal human again. AND put gas in my car. who would've known it would've came in handy later on today. Tunafish sub in a tub for lunch. Then tori came over for what would've been a jam session at my house, but since my mom was throwing a total shit fit, it was moved to her house. Here's what came from that ...
Then, since I was absolutely not trying to go home, I took a way longer drive than normal. 35 to Seaside and back, 71 to Asbury and back. Got a lot of thinking done. and listening to some great music. Did my summer playlist and oh my was it full of glorious throwbacks. Songs just suck you back into a moment in time. It's great. magic. poof. Picked up spano's for dinner, but forgot to offer my mom something for dinner, Can't win, ever.
Advice I wish I had given myself:
When you're angry with someone, it's so easy to say things based off of emotions and impulses. But you have to remember that words have a certain energy about them. Once they're said, they exist. They don't go away. Their energy clings to the person you said them to, either filling them up, or in this case, breaking them down. With enough negative words, well.. picture a person covered in leeches. That's what I picture. Negative words are leeches, they stick around sometimes without even you noticing they're there (trust me, leeches are sneaky and you can't even feel them), but one day you'll look to find that they've taken everything and left you empty. Words are special. I mean, they are our primary source of communication. So when you say things, remember that they stick around long after you regret saying them. Have you heard of the children's book "Have you filled a bucket today?" It's quite applicable, for adults and young adults as well. Basically, everyone is always carrying invisible buckets at all times. When you say nice things to people, it helps fill their bucket as well as your own. When you say mean things to people, it empties their bucket, and doesn't fill yours at all. Buckets are like happiness basically. Wouldn't the world be better if we went around filling buckets instead of emptying them? Just saying. Do good, feel good.
I wish Saturday would hurry up. Robbie needs to come home already. and then monica. and then all of my friends.
here's a song. that I like. enjoy x
