This weekend was two of my best friends 21st birthdays, Emily and Elizabeth (formerly known as Betty) Andrew and Elizabeth came to visit Lehigh! Just being in the same room as them changes me entirely. That's the funny thing about high school friends, and best friends. We just fall right back into step. Like nothing has changed. Like we haven't missed a beat. Sometimes we go months without seeing each other, and when we get back together we have different hair styles or lose or gain weight, are in relationships, or are going through break ups, but everything is still the same. We have the same dumb-smart jokes that only we find funny. The inside jokes just build and build on each other. No matter what idiotic, black-out crying drunk mistakes we make, they are the ones who are there the next morning. Without fail. I realize how fortunate I am every time I'm with them. I don't think I've ever taken them for granted, but I love love LOVE being reminded of how fantastic this friendship is every time we are together. You people. You're my people. and you will always be my people. and I love you for that. with all of my broken messed up heart.
Fools at Asian Bistro for 21st birthday dinner Friday night
the party was "rave" themed Saturday night, so naturally we wore awful matching outfits.
I passed out again Saturday night. This is the first time since September of 2013. To say I'm a little freaked out wouldn't be a lie. My symptoms were nothing like they used to be though, I was only out for ~10 seconds, and I didn't feel disoriented or sick or light headed or anything. I'm going home Wednesday after my Psychology exam to see my neurologist again. I have really high hopes for my progress though, and I'm honestly hoping this was just a fluke and me not being careful enough. Despite it not being the best situation, I was really beginning to miss home, and my family and my pup and my kitty, and this is an awesome excuse to go see them. So there's my silver lining.
I've decided that I'm allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to screw up. I've decided that I'm a good person. and that I'm doing everything I can, every day to try and be a better person than I was the day before. As Andrew always says about everyone, "Just do better". So that's what I'm doing. I don't want to be hard on myself anymore. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. and to me that's all that matters. and everyone that accepts me for that, well, that's awesome.
"This too shall pass."
If I got a tattoo, it would be the phrase "this too" on the inside of my ring finger on my left hand. The phrase just, speaks to me, I dunno.
Monday I was lucky enough to spend my afternoon with my friend Chelsea. I was having a particularly hard afternoon and she immediately appeared at my door and started making me laugh. We hung up all of the flags (I love flags from other countries) in my room that I failed to hang earlier when I moved in. I was just too caught up in things I guess. I had my guitar lesson later on that afternoon and I was practicing on my bed, and she sat there with me, singing taylor swift songs and I got to be distracted from everything for that half an hour. My playing was a bit rusty, but she didn't care. She just sang along anyway. Thank you Chels. After my lesson, we got La Lupita, the local mexican dive restaurant, for dinner. I get the same thing every time. My friend Marz is actually to blame for that. My freshmen year, fall semester, she took me out to lunch every Wednesday, and each week was a new place. The first time I ever ate at La Lupita, I had the mexican flag. The mexican flag consists of three rolled up ... things.. and they each have a different sauce and filling. ie. chicken, cheese, and beef, green sauce, sour cream, and red sauce. Don't ask me to be specific, just try it yourself. Oh and obviously I ordered guacamole. Thank god chelsea doesn't eat guacamole, because whenever I order it, I'm forced to be a good human being and share it with whomever I'm there with (I go a lot), when all I truly want to do is shove it all in my face, no holds barred. Chels is allergic to avocado. nomnomnomnomnom all the guac for me.
My handwriting is changing. It changed at the end of last semester. and it changed at the beginning of this semester, and today, it's almost back to what it was early last semester. I don't know what this means, but I've noticed it.
Relationships are hard. and friendships are hard. and they take time and they take work. and you gotta choose what matters to you, and you gotta stick to it. I'm a firm believer in doing what your gut tells you, and not anything else. Don't let other people try and tell you what is right and what is wrong. I'm not saying don't talk things out with people, but don't let their voices outweigh what you truly feel.
I was fortuitously appointed an Executive position on the Society of Women Engineers here at Lehigh a couple of weeks ago, and today there was a Keynote speaker giving a presentation on Empowerment of Women Engineering that I attended. As soon as I got there, a faculty member I'm close with, Shaku, immediately gives me a job to hand out envelopes to everyone that walks in the door. She then gives me a microphone so when the speaker asks questions, I get to run around and hand people the mic so they can talk. I love to feel important. I know that those are small jobs, but I was doing them. Who doesn't love to feel important right? I love being given jobs to do, especially if I'm the only one doing them. There was a raffle at one point, with everybody in the room, and the speaker asked me to go around and collect everyone's tickets. and then she asked me to be the one to draw the raffle tickets out of the bag. I was legit thrilled. I mixed them up really well and picked names out, calling them over the microphone. I had so much fun. I even picked my own name! I won a handmade notebook that the speaker made herself. I've only won two raffles in my life, so, needless to say, I was in pure joy.
OH. OH GOD. guys. I just remembered. I went to the post office today to mail some things. and I needed stamps. So I ask the mail lady what kind of stamps she has, and she shows me some basic ones, and then goes, "oh, yeah, and we have batman ones too". Like, as an off-handed comment. nonchalant. as if BATMAN could ever be nonchalant. So. Guess who buys a book of batman stamps. This girl. duh.
I AM THE BATMAN. *christian bale batman voice*
Final thoughts. All of the classes I'm in, every semester, all seem to take on some sort of theme in my brain. I see so many recurring things in all of my classes, and they are all so different. I'm enrolled in Introduction to Economics, Discrete Structures(math/cse), The Pursuit of Happiness(sustainable development), Social Psychology, and Beginner guitar class (despite the fact that I've been playing for a while). The theme I've found has a lot to do with two things. The first one is logic. I mean, Discrete Structures is literally a logics class, but, still. My classes seem to be all about making decisions based off of logical thoughts. Despite what it is, ie. econ, psychology, or logic proofs. The entire world can be boiled down to such simple things. It blows my mind. I don't think that makes sense. But the other theme I have found is that the world is so much bigger than us. Life is so much bigger than us as individuals. There are always, ALWAYS outside factors into our decisions. In the pursuit of happiness, our influences are beyond our control, beyond our thought process, and our brains are just neurons firing, and we have no free choice. We just have to accept things the way they are and go along for the ride. In Econ, it is theorized that humans always act rationally. However, they are influenced by other factors whether you realize it or not. If the price of pepsi goes up, then people are going to buy more coca-cola. If the price of french fries goes down, you're gonna buy more cheese burgers because you likely eat them together. You don't even realize this shit. it's magic. In psychology, there are way too many influences over our decisions, I can't even explain it here, you would be here for an hour. Long story short, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You're just one human. and you're doing the best you can in this world, which is constantly manipulating you in whichever way the universe feels like manipulating you that day. If we all take things a little less seriously, be a little more genuine, laugh at ourselves, and use a touch of rational though, we'll all be better off. I promise. you're gonna make it. Because you have no choice but to make it.
So this was a rant, but, it's my blog, so, ha.
Here's a song I found on my friend Morag's Spotify playlist that I incessantly stalk. sorry not sorry.
enjoy x.
