"They say people fight about the same things until it breaks them apart."
- another Gossip Girl quote with some depth
As soon as I got home from the doctor, I grabbed a chicken parm and headed West to the land of abbreviations. Although, I can't seem to hide the feeling that it was a bit of a mistake. A pang of regret is settling in this late morning. or is it early afternoon? I don't know. Being there for someone who needed a friend wasn't the mistake. Not at all. The part that's killing me the most is being back in a school environment while I'm on my leave. All of the friends that I have on this campus are all, well, at class. This isn't what surprised me though. What surprised me is how I felt about it. I'm bad with taking feelings and putting them into words. so we'll start off with a simple emotion, being sad. or jealous maybe? it's hard to tell. angry, possibly. I don't really know how to explain it. Seeing everyone going about their normal business, the normal business I used to do, while I sit here feeling foolish. Every time one of my friends mention to me how busy they are with school work, it hurts a little. And I get irrationally upset. Usually I wouldn't be upset about not having work, but it's different than having a test be over with or a class unexpectedly cancelled. For the first fall of my life since I was five, I'm not doing some sort of schooling. Despite the fact that I've been told it's not my fault, and it's not fair but I have to deal with it, maybe Lehigh's Dean of Students was on to something when she warned me to stay away from campus after I had my swipe access taken away for the semester. She must've known it was for my own good for me not to be on campus. It stings a bit it realize the truth, and in the words of a someone I use to know, I'm feeling a bit salty. I was adamant that it was wrong to keep me from campus, but now I'm not so sure. Even my friends overseas are slammed with school work. I feel like the whole world is going on around me and I'm stuck in a standstill.
For anyone looking for a fun fact, google "Shave and a haircut".
I've always learned lessons the hard way. I feel like there is no other proper way to learn a lesson. If I was more responsible at school this semester, I might not have had to miss the entirety of it. Circumstantially, if I wasn't stuck in the hospital due to a bogus spinal tap, I might not have missed so much work and could have gone back. Ah, well, it doesn't not do to dwell in the past. What could've, should've, would've happened. I feel like there is no "soft" way to learn a lesson. You can be told something over and over again, but until it's slammed into your face and you're in an "oh shit" situation, you can't possibly understand the magnitude of whatever lesson you're trying to learn. I never plan to do this, of course, but it happens to me regardless. No matter how many precautions I take, I'll always screw up big, just once. and then I learn. But it's the initial screw up that always hits hardest. Makes me want to stop the screw ups, but I've yet to figure out how.
Self-pity is like a disease. The more you buy into it, the worse you think things are. The less you feel sorry for yourself, the less you see that you need to feel sorry for. Everything is always worse in our heads. On paper, things can be detached, extracted, made to be indifferent, anonymous, fragmented, skewed, stretched, looked at under a microscope, or seen from across the globe. The truth is, the only world we have is the one in our head. The world we share with everyone around us is limited to what we can produce for them from our own world. It's so easy to cut people out, and live strictly in our own little world in our head. Keeping our feelings in one corner, our thoughts in the other, and common sense locked up deep in a dungeon. If you don't put your thoughts and feelings out there, then no one can judge you, if that's even a fear, but they also can't help you. So either you can wallow in your self-pity, woe-is-me type of world, or you could open up, a little bit, and let somebody in. Or let everybody in. Whether its one or one hundred, anyone is better than no one. This is advice that I wish I could give to myself, but since I won't listen, maybe you or somebody you know will.
there was a whole other paragraph here, but I deleted it. Maybe one day I'll post it. for now, it can wait.
by the way, to any of you that wanted that to read as " a whole nother paragraph," well.. nother isn't a word. it's either another, or other. not nother. I will not tolerate such nonsensical words.
Here's a blast from the past. well, my past anyway. enjoy.
