"I <3 your thoughts"
-a quote from Allyson Clayton on my blog
enjoy.
what is it about limits that make me want to test them? I don't feel secure with things. I like pushing them and pushing them and pushing them until something or someone snaps and lets me know that I've gone too far. Once I've gone too far, obviously there's no turning back. Sure, I found out my limits, but then there's nothing to go back to. It's like a rubber band. Sure, you can stretch it to do things you need to do, like hold your hair up or hold index cards together. You don't need to test the limits of the rubber band, you just take it how it is. But no. I take the rubber band and see how far it'll stretch before it snaps. Great, I know how far it goes. Do you know what that leaves me with? A broken rubber band, that won't do a damn thing for me. Not even because it doesn't want to, but because it physically can't. I've pushed it too far, for no good reason but for the sake of knowing. I should apologize to all of the rubber bands I've left snapped in my wake, my doctors and parents and friends for pushing their limits, but I'm afraid it wouldn't be a sincere apology. Because that's just who I am, and I can't help it. And you shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for who you are. My mom told me never to try and justify yourself, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
I suppose that being low-key and mild mannered never really fit in a description of me either. I'm one of those higher, faster, better, more type of people. I have been taught that you in fact can have too much of a good thing, but yet it doesn't stop how I act. I'm programmed to obsess over things. Yeah, I am fully aware of the fact that I'm doing it, but it doesn't stop my compulsions to obsess. I'm the type of kid who doesn't want one piece of delicious bacon with their breakfast, or two, or three or four. No. I want the whole plate. (Then again who doesn't love bacon. Bad analogy. But you get what I mean). Once I find something I like, I'm all in. That's it. Ill do everything and anything I can to try and advance in my pursuit of whatever it is I'm compelled to pursue. Disregarding my better judgement, other peoples better judgement, my own feelings, or anybody else's. That's how strongly I'm compelled to do things. Watching gossip girl today I picked up a quote (I know I know, it's not too legit of a source, but bear with me) it went something like this..
"If you really want something, you don't stop for anyone or anything until you get it"
- Blair Waldorf
So, not that I'm using this as some sort of excuse for any actions I've taken, but it's an insight as to how I think. Only the problem is, I don't do well with regulations and limits, as I discussed earlier. My issue is not really self control, but merely where and how to draw the lines. Not to be cliche, but I live my life surrounded by blurred lines (all ones that I've created for myself, trust me). I have a condition that causes me to pass out, and it used to be quite frequent. I say that casually, because in my head, it was. I used to do it so much it was just like another part of my life. Do you know how ludicrous that is to say? It's hard for me to see what's normal and what's not. Very hard for me. That's just one example of one aspect of my life. There are lots of other blurred lines. Ones that I would rather not discuss because I'm ashamed of how things ended up because of them. I know it's never too late to say you're sorry, but there also should be a limit to the amount of apologies you can make before it because meaningless. Words without actions are nothing. Trite really. Over the summer, my computer science professor was trying to help me understand how to be a better programmer. I would say to him but I understand all the concepts! I understand how everything works, I just can't code it to do what I want. and do know what he said to me?
"Ideas without words make for a very poor poem"
-Professor Femister quoting another Professor he had once
And I looked at him funny, with my head turned to the side like a confused dog, ears turned up, eyebrows furrowed. And he explained that unless I would be able to get my ideas down in cohesive form, then they are useless. And he was right. And that goes for more than computer programming I guess. Thinking a certain way and acting a certain way are completely different. You can think you're a wonderful person. But unless you do wonderful things, you're really just like the rest of them. Where it's all fine and dandy in your head, heck, you do no wrong. Everybody else is to blame. They're all crazy. Well yeah. Reality hits hard when you realize "hey, I fucked up. And nobody else is to blame but me".
Have you ever felt lonely? Not just bored for a couple hours, but truly alone? I don't know if I have, but after this passed (past?) month, I'm really starting to. I'm in my head too much. As you can see, it's not a simple place in here. I'm trying to figure things out that might not need to be figured out, and I'm putting aside things that might need more attention. I want to fall in love with someone. anyone. I just want to know what it feels like to be head over heels for someone. I want to be in love so bad it hurts. I just want to feel something, anything. I want someone to care about me as much as I want to care about them. I want to have a love like Blair and Chuck have (again, sorry for the gossip girl reference). But their love is love in the rawest form there is. It's beautiful, out there for everyone to see. The range of emotions they feel for each other spans the earth around twice and back. They go from zero to a million in a minute. I want that. I want that passion. and I will get it, do you know why? because it's what I want. I want someone to fall in love with me, all of me. The good parts, and the bad parts, and the crazy parts, even the parts that I don't like about myself, because maybe then I could learn to like them. When I say I love you, or that I love something, I mean it. with all of myself. I find joy in so many things, and I love a lot of things, but it doesn't mean that I am in love with them. I want that in love feeling. All in all, I have no idea what I'm doing. I trust my gut a lot of the time though. Which is a good thing. A gut feeling is interesting. It's like knowing something without having any prior information on it. You just know. You can feel it in your bones, in your gut that something's right or wrong. Life hasn't been perfect, and I've learned that im my own worst enemy (by far). But maybe life isn't supposed to be perfect. Maybe it isn't supposed to be anything at all. It is literally whatever we make it. Because we're born, and eventually we're gonna die. Not to get existential, but if you don't live in the moment, then where are you living? You can't live in the past because it's gone. Long gone. You'll never be able to relive a second that's already gone. Words you say can't be taken back, like ink on a page. Memories you have are just that, memories. As for the future, well, I've never been more unsure of something in my entire life (and trust me, I have decision making issues). You have no idea that tomorrow exists. So that's why you should live for the present. Because no other time exists, ya know? This is kind of it..
so yeah..
"if we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives"
- lemony snicket
ALSO. a quick pet peeve of mine. when people say "literally" when they mean "figuratively" or "metaphorically". like "omg i would literally die if you did that" no. you wouldn't LITERALLY. die. you would figuratively die, maybe. so why don't we all start saying what we mean, and use figuratively or metaphorically instead of literally. unless you really truly mean literally, in which case, feel free to use it correctly. otherwise, somewhere out there think of me, cringing, when you use it incorrectly.
I guess that sums up my feelings for the night. I dunno. I don't even know if I'm gonna share this post. Maybe just post it and if you happen to check my blog and see it, well cool. Maybe ill post it to share. Who knows. I don't.
